Humans Have Layers

If ogres and donkeys have layers, why wouldn’t humans, too? Psychology has been exploring the concept that human personalities are not one homogeneous thing. There are a number of theories that posit different parts, ego states, or sub-personalities that contribute to our complete personality. In her book, Befriending Your Inner Child, Brya Hanan talks about four layers inside of us. At our very core is what she calls the Imago Dei, which is Latin for “image of God.” You are willed by God, you are simple, pure, holy, meant to be. It is good that you are, and you are part of the “very good” of creation. You are valuable and valued, safe, loved, worthy of love, and you reflect the face of God, and reveal a unique aspect of who God is. At our very core we are good, and sin has not damaged the core of who we are.

Wounded Child

Now, most people reading this bulletin article are not nodding their head saying, “Yes, that’s me!”  They are more likely thinking, "Those words apply to a newborn baby or my grandchildren, but that can’t be me." Sometime between now and your conception, most of us experienced various forms of trauma. The deepest traumas are held in a layer called the “Wounded Child.” Psychologists identify two different kinds of trauma: Type A and Type B. Type B is “Bad things that happened.” It results from specific traumatic events, such as physical, sexual, or verbal abuse; bullying; assault; a car accident; etc, —both when they are experienced and witnessed. Type B events cause trauma when they overload a person’s capacity to address the injury, and that person has no one to turn to as a safety net. It's not so much the bad event itself, but the being alone in that bad event that leads to trauma.

Type A trauma is “the Absence of good things.” It comes about as the result of neglect, that is, basic needs not being fulfilled. Type A traumas include things such as abandonment, malnutrition, lack of affection or attention, absence of age-appropriate limits, an unhealthy emotional environment in the home, or even the lack of teaching basic life skills. Type A traumas are less visible to the human eye than Type B trauma, but they always cause damage, particularly when they occur during childhood years. Early Type A trauma impacts the brain’s ability to develop a stable personality and create meaningful relationships. We tend to cope by brushing trauma into the dark corners of conscious awareness. There it can take the form of a “Core Wound”: Shame, Hopelessness, Powerlessness, Fear, Rejection, Abandonment, and Confusion. 

The "Clever" Teen

As we grow, we then develop a third layer. I like to call this layer the “Clever” Teen. Our “Clever” Teen part says, “I don’t like it when I feel ___ (Hopeless, Abandoned, Shame, etc.). I can fix this. I will figure out how to never, ever have to feel like that again.” This part accepts the idea that no one is there for us; we have to fix it ourselves, and it looks for strategies. That can include “Being Perfect”, so people won’t reject me. Or, “If we don’t try, then we never have to experience failing.” There are all sorts of clever tricks we use to manufacture a sense of safety and control for ourselves. But the wounds are not healed. The “Clever” Teen is a way of life based in fear. We are always afraid that these uncomfortable feelings will bubble to the surface.

The “Clever” Teen part of us is working around the trauma. But even if you forgot it happened, the trauma isn’t gone. It has a tendency to repeat itself. Jane hates feeling Abandoned. That leads her to pursue friendships so she’ll never have to experience abandonment again. But the fear keeps her from really connecting with people, and the fear-based friendships don’t last. Then she feels even more abandoned. The same thing can happen with every core wound: Fear itself, Shame, Powerlessness, Hopelessness, Rejection, Confusion. The harder we try to “fix” the problem ourselves, the more likely it is come back and bite us.

The Search for Safety

The “Clever” Teen is motivated by fear. Healing is the movement away from a fear-based lifestyle and into a lifestyle rooted in love. It sounds easy but its actually really hard. And that’s because we have to find two things. We need to find safety in something bigger than ourselves, and we need to find a love that will not let us down. The safety and love that the “Clever” Teen is trying to manufacture aren’t dependable enough. The cause more trauma every time they fail. Where can we find love? Where can we find safety? It’s not so far away!

Remember our Imago Dei? That part of us is deeply rooted in God’s love. The secret of healing is actually to discover that, at our deepest place, we are already safe and we are already loved. We are cradled in the arms of Our Father and sheltered in the heart of Mother Mary. This isn’t just wishful thinking. Right now at your deepest core, you are loved and you are safe.

Integration

There is another part called the Adult Self. When this part becomes active we feel Calm, Curiosity, Compassion, Clarity, Courage, Confidence, Creativity, and Connectedness. The Adult Self needs to ask the “Clever” Teen can step back, so you can connect with your Wounded Child. The Adult Self needs to listen to a wounded child, much like a grownup loving a little kid. Then they both need to turn to Jesus, Mary, the Holy Spirit, or God the Father. There, the Wounded Child discovers its true identity as a Beloved Son/Daughter. The “Clever” Teen becomes a Good Brother/Sister. And the Adult Self can become a Loving Father/Mother. Slowly, your whole self becomes integrated into a communion, a team of parts, rooted in the safety and love that only God can provide.

How Do You Know You Need Healing?

You look like you have it all together, but you really have to work at it, and that “not good enough feeling” comes up when things are quiet—the “Clever” Teen is the hard-working part, and the Wounded Child is carrying shame or failure or other hurts. Something happens and it bothers you more than it should, because a present event is poking on a place that’s sore and sensitive. If connecting with others doesn’t feel safe, or, conversely, you can’t stand to be alone. You might bounce back and forth between pulling people close to you and pushing them away. You feel like you have to be in control of everything. You lack peace and joy. These are all signs that we need healing.

Is It Worth It?

I'm not going to lie--healing is hard work. A lot of people would like to continue living as a "Clever" Teen than put in the work to dig up the foundations and rebuild from the core. But it is also very freeing. Healing allows you to experience more peace and joy, and a greater freedom to love others and to allow yourself to be loved. Any step, no matter how small, will open you up to greater life and love. Deeper connections with others, feeling more rooted and grounded in who you are, and able to live more generously are all fruits of healing. The second thing that I love about healing is that it positions us to love others into wholeness and new life. There is so much joy in helping others heal. My hope is that our Catholic parishes become places of deep healing. Are you willing to take a step towards that dream?

Where to Go for Help

John Paul II Healing Center

They have come really good books in their STORE. I would recommend Be Healed, Be Restored, and Be Transformed. Be Devoted is a resource for marriage enrichment. A book is a safe, easy, and inexpensive place to start.

If you have more time (and money), check out the Events page on the John Paul II Healing Center website. They have events all over the country, but nothing really close. Healing the Whole Person Weekend is coming up December 4-6 in Avondale, AZ. You could fly somewhere and participate if you have the time and money. Alternatively, all their events allow live-stream participants. The final option would be their Online Courses. Right now they have two: Healing the Whole Person (which we did) and Real Suffering. They are on the expensive side—personal access to Healing the Whole Person is $199. But It would be worth it, especially if you could do it as a group with a few Christian friends.

Other Books

Befriending Your Inner Child by Brya Hanan. See https://www.bryahananlmft.com
Brya’s website offers counseling and coaching services

Leaving Loneliness Behind - 5 Keys to Experiencing God’s Love and Building Healthy Connections with Others by Regina Boyd

Podcasts on Healing

Restore the Glory with Dr. Bob Schuchts and Dr. Jake Khym, both former counselors who have gotten actively involved in healing.

Abiding Together featuring Sr. Miriam James, Heather Khym, and Michelle Benzinger. I find these to be encouraging, informative, and uplifting.

SoulsandHearts.Com is at the forefront of the psychological side of healing from a Catholic perspective. They are a little more focused on the counselor side of the equation, but they have a  couple podcasts and a load of resources.